Summary

The Blueprint of Best Society

Emily Post’s Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home stands as a monumental guide to navigating the complexities of human interaction. Published in 1922, the book quickly became the standard for polite behavior, not merely as a list of arbitrary rules, but as a comprehensive philosophy of conduct. Post posits that etiquette is the technique of human conduct under all circumstances of life. She argues that while the minutiae of manners are included from selecting a visiting card to eating corn on the cob, the structure of etiquette is comparable to a house where the foundation is ethics and the superstructure is good taste, correct speech, and quiet, unassuming behavior.

At its core, the book seeks to democratize the concept of “Best Society.” Post asserts that Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy nor does it seek to exclude those of humble birth. Instead, it is an association of gentlefolk. The credentials for membership are not money or titles, but good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others. This perspective shifted the focus of manners from exclusion to inclusion, suggesting that anyone through study and cultivation could make themselves eligible for the best social circles.

The Golden Rule of Conduct

The entire edifice of Post’s advice rests upon a single, foundational principle: never do anything that is unpleasant to others. This is the rule from which hundreds of others are derived. Consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for public behavior; it is the very foundation upon which social life is built.

• Sharing Resources: This rule dictates that one must never take more than their share, whether it is road space while driving, chairs on a boat, seats on a train, or food at the table.
• Public Behavior: Rudeness is defined as anything that shows a lack of courtesy toward others. This includes nudging, patting, or whispering. Post advises that if you would be thought a person of refinement, you must avoid these habits.
• Punctuality: Being late is a specific violation of this consideration. When dining before going to the opera or theater, arriving on the stroke of the hour is mandatory, as it is inexcusable to be late on such occasions.

The Art of Conversation

Post devotes significant attention to conversation, viewing it as an art form that requires reciprocity and thought. Ideal conversation should be a matter of equal give and take, yet often it becomes all “take” as voluble chatterers monopolize the time.

Think Before You Speak The primary antidote to being a bore or a pest is the simple act of stopping to think. Nearly all faults in conversation are caused by not thinking. By pausing, one avoids the ceaseless chatter that exhausts listeners. A first rule for behavior in society is to try to do and say only those things which will be agreeable to others.

Handling Disagreement A well-bred person never tells another they are wrong. According to Post, saying “You are wrong” or “Nothing of the kind” is forbidden. If one finds another’s opinion utterly opposed to their own, the tactful response is to switch to a different subject to maintain a pleasant channel of conversation.

Choosing Topics One must avoid “taking conversation out of the drawing-room.” Topics such as operations, illnesses, misfortune, or personal blemishes are neither suitable nor pleasant. Furthermore, one should not dilate on ills or unpleasantness. The danger of making enemies is highest for those who use sharp wit, as it often produces mistrust even while it stimulates. Additionally, pretending to know more than you do is foolish; only a small mind hesitates to say “I don’t know.”

The Mechanics of Manners

While philosophy drives the content, Post provides granular details on the mechanics of social interaction. These specifics serve as the visible signs of the invisible consideration she advocates.

Introductions The question of when to introduce people is elusive. Post advises to never introduce unnecessarily. The definition of when to do so is “whenever necessary to bridge an awkward situation.” On formal occasions, the word “present” is preferable to “introduce,” though in the West, where people may be uncomfortable among strangers, introductions are often less formal. Best Society has only one acceptable phrase upon being introduced: “How do you do?”

Forms of Address Correct speech is a pillar of good breeding. Post warns against provincial habits such as speaking of one’s husband as “Mr.” to a stranger, which implies superiority. Instead, one should say “my husband.” In speaking of others, one always uses “Mrs.,” “Miss,” or “Mr.” until familiarity invites otherwise. Abbreviations like “phone,” “photo,” or “auto” are to be avoided in favor of “telephone,” “photograph,” and “automobile.”

The Hospitality of the Home The hostess holds a pivotal role in social success. She must show each guest equal and impartial attention. In serving dinner, the dishing is quite as important as the cooking; a smear or thumb mark on a dish is like a spot on the front of a dress. If a servant blunders, the hostess should pretend not to know it. Furthermore, a servant in a dignified house is never addressed by a first name like Jim or Katie, but always by a full name such as James or Margaret.

Cultivating Personal Charm

Beyond external rules, Post emphasizes internal cultivation. She defines charm as sympathy, or the power to put yourself in the place of others. This attribute is considered a gift of more value than beauty.

To be liked, one must possess a happy expression of countenance, an unaffected manner, and a sympathetic attitude. For the stranger entering society, charitable or civic work provides a path to eligibility by throwing them into association with ladies of good breeding. One inviolable rule for the newcomer is to remain dignified and not be pushing or presuming. One should not approach others more than halfway; a smile is friendly, but clinging or weak grinning is to be avoided.

Conclusion

Ultimately, Post teaches that etiquette is not a set of shackles designed to trip up the unwary, but a system of traffic signals for human interaction. It is the technique of conduct that allows people to live together without friction. By adhering to the ethics of consideration and mastering the details of good form, anyone can navigate the world with grace. The goal is not to impress others with one’s rank, but to make them comfortable through one’s presence. As Post succinctly summarizes, it is unconsciousness of self, altruistic interest, and inward kindliness, outwardly expressed in good manners, that constitute the true essence of etiquette.