Summary

The Confidence Gap

Most people believe that confidence is a feeling they must experience before they can act. They wait for self-assurance to strike before they ask for a promotion, go on a date, or speak up in a meeting. Dr. Russ Harris argues that this common misconception is exactly what keeps people stuck. In The Confidence Gap, Harris uses the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to demonstrate that genuine confidence is not the absence of fear. It is the ability to take action while feeling fear.

The Actions Come First

The central premise of the book is that the actions of confidence come first, and the feelings of confidence come later. Harris describes this by comparing actions to a horse and feelings to a cart. The horse must pull the cart; you cannot expect your feelings to drag your actions forward. If you wait until you feel confident to take a step, you will likely stay exactly where you are. Confidence is not a prerequisite for action; it is a result of it. This is known as the Confidence Cycle. By taking action, you gain experience, which builds competence and eventually generates the feeling of confidence. If you wait to feel ready, you risk waiting forever.

Redefining Your Relationship with Fear

Harris challenges the reader to stop viewing fear as a weakness or a sign that something is wrong. Fear is a normal, biological reaction to doing something new or challenging. The key to confidence is not to eliminate fear but to transform your relationship with it. Fear should not be the driver of your car, pushing the pedals and steering you away from your goals. Instead, fear should be a passenger. You acknowledge it, maybe even say “hello” to it, but you do not let it control the steering wheel. When you allow fear to be present without letting it dictate your behavior, you harness its energy rather than being suppressed by it.

Defusion: Unhooking from Thoughts

A major obstacle to confidence is the mind’s tendency to generate negative thoughts and self-judgments. Harris introduces a technique called “defusion” to deal with this. Defusion is the process of stepping back from your thoughts and seeing them as nothing more than words and pictures passing through your head. It involves recognizing that a thought is not a fact.

For example, your mind might say, “I am going to embarrass myself.” A defused response recognizes this as just a string of words. You can even play with the thought by singing it to the tune of “Happy Birthday” or typing it out in a silly font. By creating this distance, you “unhook” yourself from the thought, reducing its power to stop you from doing what matters.

Expansion: Making Room for Feelings

While defusion deals with thoughts, “expansion” deals with feelings. Expansion is the practice of making room for uncomfortable emotions and sensations within your body. Instead of tensing up or trying to push anxiety away, you open up to it. Breathing into the sensation and giving it space allows you to remain in the present moment. Paradoxically, when you stop struggling against your negative feelings and simply let them be, you often feel better. This willingness to experience discomfort is essential for breaking out of the avoidance trap.

Values and Committed Action

ACT therapy rests on three pillars: mindfulness, values, and action. Harris emphasizes that true success is living by your values, not hitting specific external goals. Values are the principles you want to stand for, such as kindness, creativity, or courage. Goals can be achieved or failed, but values can be lived in every moment.

To close the confidence gap, you must clarify your values and use them as your compass. You hold your values lightly-meaning you don’t get rigid or dogmatic about them-but you pursue them vigorously. When you act on your values, you shift your focus from obsessing over the outcome to getting passionate about the process. This shift is liberating. You can find immediate success in any moment simply by being fully engaged in what you are doing and acting in line with who you want to be. You do not need to fake anything; you just do what is important to you.

The Three Core Skills

Building lasting confidence requires developing three specific skills.

1. Handling thoughts and feelings: This involves mindfulness skills like defusion (unhooking from thoughts), expansion (making room for feelings), and engagement (being present in the moment).
2. Taking control of actions: This means you take action guided by your values even when your thoughts and feelings are uncomfortable or negative.
3. Engaging fully: This involves throwing yourself wholeheartedly into whatever you are doing, regardless of the internal chatter going on inside your head.

Embracing Failure and Practice

The book also addresses the culprits of low confidence, such as excessive expectations, harsh self-judgment, and lack of skills. Harris argues that self-acceptance trumps self-esteem. While self-esteem is a judgment that fluctuates based on how well you think you are doing, self-acceptance is a stable attitude of kindness toward yourself. It allows you to fail without falling apart.

Harris encourages readers to view failure not as a disaster, but as a wonderful teacher. If you are willing to learn, failure provides the feedback necessary to improve. This is where the Confidence Cycle comes into play: practice skills, apply them, assess the results, and modify as needed. By stepping out of your comfort zone and engaging in this cycle, you build the competence that naturally leads to confidence.

Conclusion

The Confidence Gap offers a pragmatic and refreshing alternative to positive thinking. It acknowledges that fear and doubt are permanent residents of the human condition. By dropping the struggle with these inner experiences and focusing instead on values-driven action, you can break free from the trap of waiting to feel ready. Confidence is not a feeling you find; it is an action you take.